Aug 21 2014
Is it bad that I'm more afraid to come out as asexual than I am afraid to come out as lesbian? I just don't know what to do anymore . . .
Well, if you’ve already come out as lesbian and then realized that you’re actually asexual, it can be kind of daunting to come out again. Some people will automatically assume that you’re just trying to get attention or something, so they won’t take you seriously. Especially when you consider that Asexuality is still relatively unknown to the general population, so a lot of people don’t believe that it’s a legitimate orientation.
It’s completely up to you as to whether you come out or not. If you do decide to, just keep in mind that you’re not always going to get the response you want, so don’t let the opinions of others weigh too heavily on your own happiness. Make sure you’ve done enough research to be able to answer any questions you may have presented to you.
It isn’t bad in the sense that you’re disappointing or harming other people by finding it harder to come out as ace than as lesbian. But if you don’t like the way you feel internally about your orientations, and you want to work through whatever’s making you more afraid of talking about your asexuality, then that’s perfectly okay.
I’m in a similar position anon, I’m homoromantic and I get anxious whenever my orientation comes up and I have to choose whether to say that I’m a lesbian or asexual.
And I’ll be honest, unless I’m online or in a LGBTQ+ safe space, I usually choose “gay”. “Lesbian” isn’t the whole story for me and my orientation, but for some reason I feel more uncomfortable talking about my lack of sexual attraction than I do talking about my romantic (and/or implied sexual) attraction towards other women. Aside from having to fend off more questions about asexuality, part of the problem is also that my ace-ness feels more private than my gayness (which I … do not like). I am visibly gay and invisibly asexual, and that makes it harder to “casually out myself as asexual” (the link is to a great and relevant essay by queenie, it might be helpful).
Talking to people IRL about my aceness in safe spaces has really helped me with this. Are you still in school/is there an LGBTQA+ center or a GSA near you? Any asexual meet-ups or groups that you can go to?
Also, while doing research to answer questions about your orientation is a good idea, it’s just important to do some thinking about how those questions affect you (like is it more important to tell that person “some aces do x” or ” I do/don’t do x”? some of the questions we get when we come out can be quite invasive, so it’s up to you if you want to get personal or get general in a conversation)
But anyway, I’m still trying to figure out my way through this, like, ace block because I don’t want to be uncomfortable or scared when I talk about my asexuality (talking with people at my college’s LGBTQ+ center has helped, but I’m not where I want to be yet). So if you ever want to talk, my inbox is open. Good luck, anon!