Demi Gray

A blog for those identifying as demisexual or gray-asexual.

sheer-powder:

“We’ve been ‘cool’ for a very long time, and in that sense our culture has been taken for a very long time. How do we define when we’ve arrived? It’s not when a young, white girl in Berkley is wearing nice garlands or those nice buddhist beads, or wearing bindi. I don’t feel like my life in anyway has been improved because she has the ability to do that and thinks that’s okay. My life hasn’t improved. The life of my mother has not improved. Our voice as a community within this economic system has not improved. 
A good friend of mine, she’s south Indian, and she grew up in Connecticut. Her mom would make her wear her bindi and go to school. She would get harassed by kids… she would be harassed so much that what she would do, is that because she was so ashamed to have that bindi on her head, she would leave her house, wipe it off… and then come home and put it back on.
To the point where a child would have to think about such a deliberate attempt to refute their own culture I think is pretty profound. If there’s a white girl wearing a bindi walking down central avenue in the heights, she’s not considered a dot head, even though she has a dot on her head.
For me, the feeling is disgust and anger. The way I look at it if I see it, I just get so mad because I think, how dare this person be able to wear that, or hold that, or put that statue in her house and not take any of the oppression for that. How dare they. That’s not fair. We have to take so much heat and repression for expressing ourselves.
I’m going to rip that thing off your head, and I’m going to scrub that mehndi off your hands, because you don’t have the right to wear it. Until the day when you walk in our shoes, and you face what we face… the pain, and the shame, and the hurt, and the fear, you don’t have the right to wear that. It is not your right, and you’re not worthy of it. I feel like it’s so superficial and it’s so disrespected. One day, wake up, be me, and then you’ll see how powerful what you’re wearing is. ”
—Raahi Reddy, Yellow Apparel: When the Coolie Becomes Cool 

Not really related to my blog, but still important.

sheer-powder:

We’ve been ‘cool’ for a very long time, and in that sense our culture has been taken for a very long time. How do we define when we’ve arrived? It’s not when a young, white girl in Berkley is wearing nice garlands or those nice buddhist beads, or wearing bindi. I don’t feel like my life in anyway has been improved because she has the ability to do that and thinks that’s okay. My life hasn’t improved. The life of my mother has not improved. Our voice as a community within this economic system has not improved. 

A good friend of mine, she’s south Indian, and she grew up in Connecticut. Her mom would make her wear her bindi and go to school. She would get harassed by kids… she would be harassed so much that what she would do, is that because she was so ashamed to have that bindi on her head, she would leave her house, wipe it off… and then come home and put it back on.

To the point where a child would have to think about such a deliberate attempt to refute their own culture I think is pretty profound. If there’s a white girl wearing a bindi walking down central avenue in the heights, she’s not considered a dot head, even though she has a dot on her head.

For me, the feeling is disgust and anger. The way I look at it if I see it, I just get so mad because I think, how dare this person be able to wear that, or hold that, or put that statue in her house and not take any of the oppression for that. How dare they. That’s not fair. We have to take so much heat and repression for expressing ourselves.

I’m going to rip that thing off your head, and I’m going to scrub that mehndi off your hands, because you don’t have the right to wear it. Until the day when you walk in our shoes, and you face what we face… the pain, and the shame, and the hurt, and the fear, you don’t have the right to wear that. It is not your right, and you’re not worthy of it. I feel like it’s so superficial and it’s so disrespected. One day, wake up, be me, and then you’ll see how powerful what you’re wearing is. ”

—Raahi Reddy, Yellow Apparel: When the Coolie Becomes Cool 

Not really related to my blog, but still important.


Hi, I'm an 18 year old boy. For the longest time, I considered myself heterosexual. Recently, I realized that everyone I've been attracted to are people that I have close friendships with. Is this considered being demisexual? how should I tell her?

— Asked by Anonymous

That’s a common demisexual experience, so sure, if you think the label fits you, you’re welcome to use it! I’m not sure who this her you’re referring to is—is it a close friend you’re interested in? People often have attraction to their close friends, whether they’re demisexual or not. If it were me, my first step would be see if my feelings were reciprocated, and if so, become more flirty. If things seemed to be going well after that point, I would ask them out (just make it clear it’s a date!) You don’t have to mention demisexuality if you don’t want to.


I've been identifying as demisexual biromantic, but I'm starting to think I'm homosexual homoromantic. I recently came out of a severe depression which I think had lasted about 5 or 6 years (I'm 17). I think my depression caused me to not be attracted to anyone, and I didn't notice a difference because I was only 11 or 12 when it started. I feel like I'm a pretender under demisexual now, though I am positive that I was demisexual for several years. Is it okay for my sexuality to just change?

— Asked by Anonymous

Of course! Sexuality does often change over the course of peoples’ lifetimes. If you don’t want to identify as demisexual anymore, that’s okay. 


wugsandhugs replied to your post “i identified as demi for a long time but im starting to think that im 100% asexual and demiromantic. i like the pleasure from sex with my partner but im repulsed by the act itself, and i’m not attracted to anyone else in the slightest. would this be an accurate label?”

I think anon meant not attracted to anyone else besides their partner, so if they’re sexually attracted to their partner they may still be demi or gray—but whatever label seems right to you is fine, anon!

Ahh you’re right, I misread. Well, there are asexual people with exceptions, as well as people who identify as both asexual and demisexual simultaneously, so it’s possible.


I am an 18-year-old girl, and for the longest time, I never really knew what I was. I always assumed I was hetero because I never had any reason to think differently, you know, fairy-tales and happily-ever-afters were a cute part of my childhood. (I'm still a hopeless romantic. :) ) But then just out of curiosity (must have been Fate nudging me, ) I took a sexuality quiz and it said I was demisexual. I've been searching ever since. (Next part comes in next post, sorry)

— Asked by Anonymous

after much thought I realized that when I masturbated, I had literally never imagined having sex. Touching, kissing, sure, but the actual act just never popped into my head. It literally wasn’t something I considered. I started looking up tons of stuff about asexuality and demisexuality, and I feel pretty sure that I fit demisexuality. One thing bothers me. Is it possible to get aroused by things I feel and read, but not be interested in having sex? Am I really demi?

Definitely, many asexual spectrum people feel arousal from things like that, and I have a good explanation of why we feel it here and here. If you think that you fit then label, then use it!


i identified as demi for a long time but im starting to think that im 100% asexual and demiromantic. i like the pleasure from sex with my partner but im repulsed by the act itself, and i'm not attracted to anyone else in the slightest. would this be an accurate label?

— Asked by Anonymous

Not being attracted to anyone is what makes you asexual, so that all you need to consider, really.

edit: I misread your question! There are people who consider themselves asexual with an exception or asexual and demisexual simultaneously, so you could be one of them. Go with whatever label feels right to you.


i feel a extremely silly asking this but should attraction towards fictional characters have any impact on your sexuality? im feeling more and more comfortable identifying as demi/grey-ace as far as people are concerned but then i turn on tumblr and its a whole different ballgame? or can this still count as demi since its more characters i like vs random ones that pop up... this is a silly question but its been bugging me a bit lately ;;

— Asked by Anonymous

There are actually other people who have asked me this same question! If you’re comfortable identifying as demi/grey, that’s all that matters. Don’t let this one thing stop you. In any case, I think that getting to know a character by reading their book or watching their show can definitely count as an emotional connection.


Do you have any advice for how a demisexual person might find a "friend with benefits"? I consider myself pansexual, demisexual, and polyamorous. I know I can be sexually interested in someone without romance, but it takes a specific kind of friendship connection. The intersection of people I might be interested in and who would have any interest in a not-so-romantic-but-close-somehow sexual relationship with me is very small and being an introvert makes finding them harder. I'm very frustrated.

— Asked by Anonymous

That is so difficult! I have been in the same situation. The best tip I can think of is to widen your friend pool, so you increase the chances of finding someone who might have potential. Go out there, find new friend groups, and meet lots of new people. 


darkestnation replied to your post “Sometimes I think I want to have sex with my friend just to see what it feels like. I don’t feel that hot feeling/pull that people do when they experience sexual attraction, but Idek. I mean, I’d never actually act on that thought; it sounds painful and gross.”

I’d imagine sex with people you don’t totally feel attracted to would be icky! Especially with being (grey) ace, it’s important that we find one we’re attracted to!

Yeah, and being demisexual, that then means it’s going to be icky unless I have a deep connection with the person. I used to think that people who go to bars to pick up people weren’t actually attracted to the people they picked up; I thought they just wanted sex. 


Sometimes I think I want to have sex with my friend just to see what it feels like. I don't feel that hot feeling/pull that people do when they experience sexual attraction, but Idek. I mean, I'd never actually act on that thought; it sounds painful and gross.

— Asked by Anonymous

Hm, well if you really want to for your own reasons, then you can, but if you’re grossed out by it in thought, it might not be much different in real life. I’ve had sex with people I didn’t feel that pull for and it was vastly different from having sex with people I actually was attracted to. I did feel a little gross too, though if you’re properly prepared sex shouldn’t hurt (barring any conditions like vaginismus which can cause pain). It might feel uncomfortable though. If you do go ahead with it, just make sure your friend is patient and understanding.


I'm 20, identify as bi and demi. It's been 3 years and I am still hurting a great deal over my ex bf, and I think it might have to do with the fact that I can't feel anything sexual for anyone else. I feel like the only way for me to get over him would be to fall for someone else, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of casual dating, because it seems like sex is usually expected. Would it be weird to come out to someone on a first date?

— Asked by Anonymous

I don’t think it’s weird to come out to someone on a first date, but I don’t think it’s entirely necessary either. That sort of thing can wait until the second or third date, or even later. It’s also not necessary to so much as touch or kiss anyone on the first date, either. The first date is really just a way to see if you click. You can explain to people that you just prefer to get to know someone and be friends with them first, which in my experience, they respond to pretty well. After that point, you can see how it goes and play it by ear. If someone isn’t amenable to taking things slow, then they’re probably not the right person for you anyway.


Hey, I identify as gray-ace, and since I have a low libido and I'm kind of repulsed by the thought of actually having sex with someone I'm not sure I want to take a relationship in that direction. I like the idea of having a relationship one day but worry about expectations and leading people on. I've gone out with this guy a few times. I'm not really attracted to him, but he's good company and we have common interests. Should I try to explain myself to him, and how?

— Asked by Anonymous

Well, if you think there’s potential for a romantic connection, I’d say go for it. If you can’t really see yourself being in a relationship with him, I’d say no. Coming out to be people can be tricky; the main thing you have to be prepared for is that they just won’t believe you. Tell him that you like him, find him interesting, etc. and would like to continue dating him, but want to let him know that you’re not interested in having sex now or ever. You don’t necessarily have to explain about asexuality, though if he seems open-minded and/or wants to know why you won’t have sex, you can. After that point, you both can decide if you want to keep seeing each other.

I have more advice in my coming out tag.


Hello! I currently identify as Demisexual but I'm wondering if I'm just celibate. Sometimes I think sex would be great with an emotional connection yet I have no interest in seeking out sex just for fun. Do you know how to tell the difference? Thanks!

— Asked by Anonymous

Celibacy is the choice to not have sex, so it’s pretty easy to tell if you’re celibate or not: are you choosing not to have sex? Many ace spectrum people also happen to be celibate simply because they have no interest in having sex anyway, so you can be both.


I recently came to the realization that maybe my lack of sexual desire wasn't just because i just didn't "feel" like having sex anymore. even when i was younger i had always realized i never was as interested in being sexually involved with boys... i just liked dating them and holding their hand and cuddling sometimes. however, i still have sex. im actually in a committed relationship.. but i have yet to come out. hes noticed i've always been kind of hands on and hands off... somewhere (pt 1)

— Asked by Anonymous

in the middle of our relationship i went out and got intoxicated to the point where i was in and out of blacking out and my friend left me alone to hook up with a guy she had met and that left me with his friend. at first things were okay and somehow he came on to me and next thing i know hes in me. he friended me on facebook after and i always thought that i cheated on my boyfriend. but i feel as if i was raped. if i hadn’t been drinking i would NOT have had sex. i don’t remember consenting. i felt terrible for my boyfriend because hes amazing and it totally destroyed him. i feel disgusting and i told him i considered it rape but he doesn’t believe me. we’re still together but theres a lot of resentment and i just feel bad that i feel like i cheated and raped at the same time. it comes to the point where i feel its not right for me to call it rape because i remember parts in blurs. i walked home alone that night. he friended me on facebook after and i accepted. i accepted because i thiught it would help make sense of what happened. but as i tried to talk to him to see what happened it just seemed all wrong and nothing that i would have wanted from a stranger. from someone random. i blocked him and i haven’t spoken to him. because of him i realized that i was demi. i had only been with two people before that night. and both people i had been with i WANTED to have sex with. i want to know if this is normal. is it okay for me to react this way?

I’m really sorry this happened. It is totally okay to react in whatever way makes sense for you. Even if you don’t remember whether or not you consented, there is a point at which one can be too intoxicated to consent, so it’s a moot point. (This is a fact.) If someone is blacked out, their ability to consent is nullified and therefore anything that happened while they were intoxicated would legally be considered rape.

This also means that you did not cheat on your boyfriend. This was a highly traumatic, violating experience and your boyfriend should be supportive of you first and foremost, rather than worrying about whether or not you were cheating. This guy tried to take advantage of you in your intoxicated state, so it is 100% not your fault. 

It’s probably for the best that you blocked him; you don’t need him in your life. And honestly, if your boyfriend doesn’t believe that you were raped, and is resentful towards you instead of helping you heal after this experience, I don’t think he belongs in your life either. He shouldn’t be making you feel bad. You were assaulted by someone, and he should be supporting you, just as if you experienced some other kind of crime, like getting mugged.

It is totally normal to have some confusion about identifying as ace spectrum if you’ve had this kind of experience. If you feel that demisexual is a label that helps you better understand yourself, then you are totally welcome to use it and you are welcome in the community. If you are a survivor of sexual assault, your identity as ace is still valid.

If you want to keep talking about it, I’m willing to do so. There are also some other resources you can check out: Resources for Ace SurvivorsPandora’s Aquarium, and RAINN, which has a hotline you can use to chat with someone. They can hook you up with a rape crisis center in your area which will have a plethora of other resources. I hope you also have a friend or family member IRL who you trust and can talk to about this. You don’t have to go through this alone.


hi there, i'm beginning to suspect that i'm demiromantic & demi or asexual, but not 100% sure. i'm 17, cis female, & have identified as bi for a while. i've never been in a relationship or had sex, & i've never been sexually or romantically attracted to someone right off the bat. in fact, the idea of going out or having sex with someone i don't know that well is terrifying to me. i fantasize about romantic/sensual stuff a lot, & i can see myself doing it in real life with a real person (1/2)

— Asked by Anonymous

whereas with sex it’s much harder to imagine myself actually doing it, though it seems nice in my fantasy. i masturbate pretty frequently, but i get off more thinking about the actual act, not how sexy the other person is. and again, realistically, the thought of having sex seems kinda intimidating, more so than the romantic stuff. i’m also pretty sure i have mild social anxiety, so that might play a role as well? idk, it’s hard since i have no experience of any kind. what are ur thoughts?

All of what you’ve described sounds like stuff I’ve heard from other aces, so I think you’re on the right track. Whether or not you have social anxiety, your identity is valid—identifying as ace because of it doesn’t mean you’re “less ace” or a fake ace or anything. And enjoying fantasies, masturbation, etc. don’t make you less of an ace either.

If you don’t have sexual feelings for people, that’s what makes you asexual, and if the feelings only come after forming a bond with them, then you could be demisexual. It’s okay if you don’t have any experience: go with what feels right now, and if your feelings change later, you can revisit the question.


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