Anonymous said: I sent in an ask about this a while ago and since you didn't answer I assume tumblr ate it. Is there a word for the opposite of demisexual? Like, I'm only ever attracted to people I don't know well. As soon as I know them I just don't feel it anymore. (If you did see my first ask, sorry for bugging you.)
I get more questions than I can respond to. And Tumblr does eat messages sometimes, as apparently happened with yours. Hence why I listed a bunch of askblogs on my resources page, so people can go there if I can’t answer their questions.
What would be an “opposite” to demisexuality? Since demisexual people do not typically feel sexual attraction, but might feel it after forming an emotional bond with someone, I suppose the “opposite” would be a person who feels sexual attraction but loses it after forming an emotional bond. I don’t know of any word for that, although I do know it’s possible, and that some people are like this.
The closest word I know would be akoisexual/lithsexual. An akoisexual person can feel sexual attraction but does not need it to be reciprocated. Some akoisexual people actively don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with the person they’re attracted to, or lose attraction if a relationship forms.
Your anon might appreciate my reverse demisexual tag.
Anonymous said: Is it possible to identify as demisexual even though I've never had sex? Like, I can imagine myself having sex one day when I'm married and have an emotional connection with someone, but I've never actually felt sexual attraction towards anyone and I've never been in a relationship where I become that connected to someone in a romantic way. But since I've never experienced that connection I'm not completely sure I will ever feel sexual attraction? Would this still seem more like a demisexual?
It’s up to you. If you’ve never felt sexual attraction but think you might in future, either asexual or demisexual is valid. Just go with whichever one makes more sense for you.
Anonymous said: If you have a definite type that you are sexually attracted to, but almost never encounter (for example, if a six foot tall man was only attracted to women who are taller than him) would that be considered a gray asexual, or just a picky allosexual?
It’s up to you. If you find that you’re generally unable to be sexually attracted to people outside of this type, there would be an especially strong case for identifying as gray-asexual, but regardless of your decision, it’s a valid identity. This is because labels are just words used to make sense of experiences that already exist (rather than trying to fit the experiences into the label), and so if the label helps you, it’s valid.
Anonymous said: psst - about the anon who asked about aces and aphrodisiacs, I actually looked up some research once on the same subject. The research was a general consensus of aces who had been put on hormone medication to "improve" their sexual desire. What happened was their sexual itch did increase, but it did not effect how they felt about it at all - i.e., their sexual need increased, but their sexual want did not. Basically, they were still aces. (like we needed a study for that though)
Interesting! That makes a lot of sense. I can’t imagine that putting a gay guy or straight lady on such hormones, for example, would make them desire women more.
Soooo this post and all the white aces commenting on it are wrong and also racist and here’s why:
First of all, how is it that white aces are all about diverse perspectives and multiple narratives when we’re co-opting WOC ideas to demand inclusivity from feminist and sex positive spaces, but as soon as POC perspectives start challenging mainstream narratives within our own community, all of a sudden anything that doesn’t fit the mold is irrelevant and off-topic? We’re a bunch of racist hypocrites, folks.
Second of all, here’s *my* takeaway from Alok Vaid-Menon’s piece, and it’s a point all us white aces have been failing to articulate or acknowledge:
If one of the goals of an asexual visibility movement is to make asexual identities accessible, then we need to address all of the barriers to that. Right now we’re addressing some of them, like stigma and lack of vocabulary and erasure. But we’re not addressing colonialism. We’re not addressing the fact that structurally, people who have been racially desexualized just do not have the same access to an asexual identity that white people do. That makes racism and decolonization central issues for us. If we’re not addressing them, we’re only helping white people and POC who are able to adopt white-compatible narratives. If we’re not addressing that, we’re a racially exclusive movement. *That’s* the point. *That’s* why it’s crucial to talk about colonialism and desexualization and lack of access to ace identities.
People are like “How is this relevant when the person doesn’t even identify as ace?” You don’t get it. It’s relevant because they can’t identify as ace in an empowering way, and no one in our community is talking about why.
Sigh. You are completely right. The whole point is that it isn’t empowering for Asian men to identify as asexual when colonialism has already ascribed them an analogous identity.
Anonymous said: I'm oddly curious...what would be an asexual's reaction to an aphrodisiac? And I'm not being snarky, I'm actually legitimately curious...
There was a thread on the asexuality subreddit a while back about how aces react to drugs (including alcohol) and the consensus was that substances don’t make them more likely to do things they wouldn’t want to normally, though I’m sure there are exceptions. In my experience, various substances increase my sex drive, but not my sexual attraction, so it isn’t really different from what’s normal for me. It really depends on the person, though, since people react to chemicals differently based on their body chemistry and other factors.
Anonymous said: Please don't promote the porn industry
Hmm, I have mixed feelings on this. The porn industry is definitely terrible for a wide variety of reasons which I won’t go into here, but I am not against porn in principle. I think it is natural for humans to want to seek out depictions of sex, most often to arouse themselves. This desire and the product which satiates it are not inherently bad. The porn produced by the industry is largely problematic, but there is some that I think is fine: so-called “feminist porn” is sometimes pretty good, as well as some amateur porn, as it shows caring, respectful ordinary couples who do everything right.
Do you ever go to your fridge because you’re hungry, but once you open it you just stare inside and want none of it? You open your pantry but still nothing appeals to you. Maybe someone even comes and suggests something, and even though you don’t know what you want, you still know that everything they said isn’t right. So you just stand around confused and hungry for no reason.
That’s what it’s like to be an asexual with a sex drive.
a lot of times i see posts about the ‘A’ in the acronym standing for asexual not ally and everyone immediately thinks worse of people who think it stands for ally.
when i was an internet noob someone literally told me that’s what it stood for, so that’s what i believed. then someone corrected me, and i thanked them and moved on. it’s literally that easy.
educate, don’t belittle.
if you tell someone it’s for ace and they still go ‘NO it stands for ALLY and nothing you say will EVER convince me otherwise’, then that’s just worse for them. move on. you tried, and obviously they won’t be persuaded.
just please don’t pass a judgement before you do that.
Yeah, I didn’t know a thing about asexuality until I stumbled upon AVEN. Ignorance isn’t an issue, willful ignorance is. Unless someone is being antagonistic, it’s best to try to educate them first because they most likely just don’t know.
Hello. I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a while now, and I was wondering if you could help me. I don’t necessarily like putting labels on myself, but if I ever want to or need to come out, it would help - I just want to understand. I used to think maybe I was asexual…
This is sooo relevant for me. For a long time I was hesitant to identify as demisexual, because I have experienced sexual attraction to characters (and sometimes even actors), but then I came to understand that it still fits within the realm of demisexuality. It only happens when I’ve “spent a lot of time” with the person, even if it’s not exactly a two-way interaction, and even then it’s only with certain characters.
Yup! The emotional connection doesn’t necessarily have to be two-way.
Feeling indifferent about sex in a mixed relationship
Hi, I recently became familiar with the term gray-a. I took an online quizz and got it as a result. Before it I just thought I liked sex less than average people. Never thought of asexuality. But the more I read about it the more it made sense. It’s not that I don’t like sex at all, but I don’t feel particularly sexually attracted to others. I like a guy if he is handsome or interesting, but never think of him in a sexual way. I never imagine how it’d be like to have sex with him. I’m in a serious relationship, and while we do have sex and I enjoy it, I would rather just cuddle and I’d be ok if we didn’t have sex at all. I thought there was something wrong with me and I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend, because he is a sexual person, and has told me several times he feels frustrated and uncomplete because of me not wanting sex as much as him. I’m still not sure if I’m gray-a, I do enjoy sex when it happens, and I think once in a while I experience some sort of sex drive. But gray-a makes so much sense. I’m confused and don’t know who to talk to.
I think all of what you said is consistent with the experiences of other gray asexuals: feeling meh about sex, like you can take it or leave it, not really having sexual feelings toward people, having a libido that shows up occasionally but disappears randomly, etc. If you like the sound of gray asexual and it makes sense to you, go for it.
As for your relationship, use your newfound knowledge about yourself to work things out. First off, you know that how you are is normal, there are others like you, and you don’t have to change for anyone. If you are okay with having sex sometimes, maybe you can agree with your partner that you’ll let him know when you’re okay with it or in the mood, and take advantage of those instances.
Ultimately, sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. If sex is really important to one person, but the other is repulsed (an extreme example), it might not work out unless the first person is willing to compromise somehow. You’ll have to talk about it and figure out what you’re both okay with. Relationships are about making sure your partner feels comfortable and cared for, so see what both of you can do to make each other feel good.
Anonymous said: So... I came out as asexual a few months ago and in that time I've fallen in love with someone and I think I'm starting to develop a libido and the only changing factor is this new partner. Does this mean I could possibly be demisexual? I think I might be but I thought I'd ask your opinion.
It could be. I would focus on the relationship’s development, since it’s new, and wait until your feelings settle to figure them out. Maybe you are an asexual with an awakened libido, an asexual with an exception, or a demisexual (or something else I haven’t considered). These are all valid options, so see how your libido develops over time with relation to this person, and you’ll be able to better determine what’s happening.
Anonymous said: I'm demi, but don't currently have anybody I'm attracted to. Despite that, my sex drive has been revving pretty loudly lately, and masturbation just doesn't feel like enough anymore. Any tips for coping with that "wanna have sex" feeling when you can't even think of anybody you'd enjoy having sex with?
Well, this is a problem faced by allosexuals too, when they don’t want a relationship or can’t find anyone they want to date. There isn’t really a great solution for it, aside from masturbating. Maybe try making it more interesting by using toys, erotica, porn, or other things you’re into? Or try redirecting your energy into other physical activities, like working out.
Dissatisfaction with human interaction?
I consider myself a gray ace but I’m still figuring stuff out. I constantly feel as if the interaction I have between people is insufficient for me. I’m not sure if this is a thing or even a ace thing but the lack of satisfaction I get from human interaction makes me wonder what I need(including friendships and such). Sorry if this is a strange question I’m not even sure if I’m giving you enough information or if it even makes sense. I appreciate any advice at all. Thanks
Well, I don’t see this being an ace problem specifically, but perhaps some of my followers can chime in. If you’re not finding your friendships satisfying, I would ask why—do you not have shared interests? do your friends not treat you the way you want to be treated? do they not seek the level of intimacy you desire? Determine why they’re unsatisfying and look for people who desire the same thing out of a friendship that you do. Same with romantic or sexual relationships—both people in any kind of a relationship have to have the same idea of what a relationship is like and how it should work, otherwise there’s a mismatch.
Humans are social animals and we crave different kinds of intimacy with other humans. It seems like this need of yours isn’t being met, and you’re dissatisfied, which is totally natural. It takes effort to find and build the relationships you want, but it is doable.
Anonymous said: (p1) I'm the ranting anon from before, and now my bf's made some post about how he doesn't know what I want and it sounds like he thinks this means I want to end it. He even said "I love you, or at least I think I do". I haven't been able to talk to
(p2) him & now I’m thinking it might be best to just let it go if he really thinks sex is this important (just a couple days ago he was “going to spend the rest of his life with me”).I think you were right before, maybe this isn’t a good relationship
It sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants, especially considering you have tried to clearly explain your side of things. Relationships are at their healthiest when both partners have clear goals and expectations. Perhaps you can take a break or something so he can figure it out.