Demi Gray

A blog for those identifying as demisexual or gray-asexual.

So, you guys remember that “New Addition” announcement I said I’d make?

theasexualityblog:

Well, this is it!

I am currently working on an audio podcast that will link up to this blog!

Each episode will cover a topic relating to asexuality and/or aromanticism which will be followed by segments for ace/aro news, listener questions/comments/stories, and possibly collaborations with others in the ace/aro community.

Right now, my plan is to have the first episode posted by Oct 24 ( I know it’s a ways off, but I’ll be in London Oct 8-15, so I’ll need time to get everything ready after I get back), and probably post new episodes every week. 

If you’d like to submit questions, comments, or stories for the listener dedicated segment, submit them either to my ask box and notate that it’s for the podcast (otherwise I’ll end up answering it on the blog) or e-mail them to theasexualityblog@yahoo.com. 

If you’re interested in appearing on a podcast episode (probably recorded via Skype or some equivalent), send me a message (ask or e-mail) and we can discuss. 

Thanks for the patience and all of the support! I’m really excited about this prospect!

This is SO awesome! Wow!


PSA: Coming out day

bidyke:

A few of these have been making the rounds on tumblr, but I haven’t seen one that says this yet:

  • You don’t have to come out
  • You don’t have to feel pressured to come out
  • Being in the closet is not shameful
  • It’s about protecting yourself
  • If coming out will make you exposed to discrimination, rejection, harassment or violence, you are perfectly justified in staying closeted
  • If coming out day makes you feel like being closeted makes you a lesser person, don’t
  • It’s about survival and self-preservation
  • And you are awesome and fabulous no matter how few or how many people in your life know about your identity

I'm just wondering if the feelings I've had fall under the asexual/greysexual/demisexual spectrum: So I've been on dates and stuff before, but nothing ever seems to work out. I always feel like I like the idea of a romantic or sexual relationship, but when it actually comes to it, don't enjoy the actual thing all that much...? Sorry if that doesn't make any sense!!

— Asked by Anonymous

That’s how a lot of aromantic and asexual spectrum people feel, so you’re definitely on the right track. If you don’t have sexual feelings for people in real life, the word asexual might be right for you. Same for romantic feelings and the word aromantic.

Here are more links which might help you decide:

You might also look into the words akoiromantic/akoisexual, which mean that you feel romantic/sexual attraction, but the feelings fade when they’re reciprocated.


So I was just wondering if you had any problems with how you felt about yourself when you first realized you were asexual. Because honestly I'm having a hard with the lack of understanding I get from anyone I've dared to tell. And I have a colorful background of mental disorders.. And honestly they're starting to resurface. I don't know what I'm hoping for here really. Maybe just some advice.

— Asked by Anonymous

Hey, anon. Yeah, coming out to people as asexual has been hard for me. Even for me, despite the fact that overall I’ve been really lucky. I don’t struggle with my mental health. I have had family and a boyfriend who have actually been accepting on the surface. Yet even for me it hurt sometimes to be misunderstood by them. It was not easy.

This is a really hard ask to answer. But for one, check out my Wordpress blog. If you want to read about my own personal experiences, as posted to my blog, many of the relevant specific posts are now linked to, far down under the “Read more” cut below. Click the links, read away, and you can get a better picture of my own experiences. But let me first try to help YOU.

Read More

— Answered by luvtheheaven


Sexual attraction to people that look familiar?

this may be a silly question but i was wondering if it was common for demisexuals to feel sexually attracted to people that look like someone they have a bond with? Like if I am attracted to person A bc of a developed bond and person B resembles them or has very similar features sometimes i will feel sexually attracted to them but it’s not quite the same like.. i will still feel repulsed at the idea of sexual acts w/ them but find them attractive?? idk i’m just wondering if it’s common

I don’t know how common it is, but it makes sense. Can anyone else relate?

fadedlikethelilac:

I’m probably more grey than demi, but I certainly think this is normal and makes sense, even if you are demi.

pelhahnu:

Oh gosh, i relate to this, but i always thought it was due for me being in a ldr.

ridingrootless:

I haven’t experienced it with sexual attraction, but I have noticed it with my aesthetic preferences? Especially in what quickly grabs my eye. But it also does make a lot of sense.

tinyyybumbleee:

Same here! Familiar smells (like the same cologne) can also trigger a slight sense of attraction outta me :3

sporkcastle:

I have strong aesthetic preferences, but I don’t think it’s just because of my demi nature. Allos have aesthetic preferences too.

anonymous:

In response to the anon asking about wing attracted to people who look like other people, this has happened to me. It was incredibly puzzling, but honesty the anon’s ask made it click into place for me. So yeah. I’d say it’s a thing.

pajama-lady:

its the same with me im attracted to people that look like ones that are close to me :) i’d say its perfectly normal

belladonna-saboteur:

Aesthetically, yes. Sexually, not at all.

thelonelymagpie:

I tend to take notice of people who remind me of fictional characters I’m fond of, hehe. Not sexual for me but it makes sense.

eternallydeancas:

Absolutely. I thought I was just weird for experiencing this, but I’m glad I’m not alone. Same goes for scents. Scents are the worst.


How can you be both demisexual and gray-asexual? Explain it to me, please. I'm a bit confused about that, because I thought they were similar but different types of sexuality.

— Asked by Anonymous

They’re not mutually exclusive. Demisexual is when you experience sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond. Gray asexual is when you experience sexual attraction infrequently, weakly, confusingly, etc. I experience sexual attraction rarely, and only when I have an emotional bond with the person, so I feel that both labels fit me. Some people even consider demisexual to be a subset of gray asexual.


I'm a bit confused with my sexuality. it keeps fluctuating from gay to straight to ace but if i ever feel like acting on it my attraction just stops straight away. I feel attracted to mostly males and can see myself in a relationship with one, but having sex with either and romantic relationships for women is something ive never truly desired. ive felt attraction and appreciated a attractiveness, but never desired to go further than that.

— Asked by Anonymous

If you feel sexual attraction but no desire to act on it, gray asexual might be the right label for you. If you don’t feel sexual attraction, asexual might fit better. Perhaps what you’re experiencing isn’t quite sexual attraction. You can click here to learn about others kinds; aces often experience aesthetic and/or sensual attraction and mistake it for sexual attraction.

Romantic and sexual can be split as well. Maybe you’re heteroromantic or homoromantic meaning you experience romantic attraction to only one gender, and asexual or gray asexual.


I keep seeing people say things like "oh what special snowflakes! They only want a label so they can say they're oppressed like the rest of us!" When for me, when I found out I was demisexual, it was more like I had a sense of identity. It just hurts

— Asked by Anonymous

Yeah, this is what happens when people don’t listen to others. If the people who put down demisexuality actually read about the experiences of most demisexuals, they would realize that they’re just like you and only a handful of us claim to be oppressed. Instead they go for easy targets.

— Answered by demigray

lillivati:

Yeah, I’ve never felt oppressed, but alienated- I’ve felt that lots of times.  Sometimes it seems like everyone centers the quality of their relationships on the sexual portions, and that’s like- sex is kind of whatever for me, it’s nice but I don’t see what the big deal is, and I probably wouldn’t miss it if I couldn’t have it anymore.  And there are a lot of people who draw a line from that statement to totally unrelated assumptions like “well, you must not really love your husband, then”.  That’s demoralizing.  And it’s offensive.  And it makes you feel really alone and like you have to play along all the time in public.

Being able to put words to what you are is critically important.  If there is not even a word for how you feel in your language, it becomes that much harder to avoid believing that there is something fundamentally broken inside you, or that there isn’t anyone else like you in the world.  Having a word defeats those destructive thoughts.

Well said.


(1/2) So, I've been identifying as Demisexual but I'm wondering if Ace might fit me better? I've honestly never really been sexually attracted to anyone?? Not even my (now ex)boyfriend of a year and a half-ish. Like even if we engaged in some kind of sexual activity my reaction/enjoyment/getting turned on or whatever had nothing to do with him and was just because it felt good? And generally I'm just not interested in another person being involved? Like I'm kind of repulsed by the idea of...

— Asked by Anonymous

another person touching me sexually? Like if I’m masturbating and I think of another person being involved it completely kills it and i recoil from the very idea? So.. I have a sex-drive, but It’s got nothing to do with other people/thinking if other people/and if someone else is involved it would have to be someone I trust and care for but it’s not really them physically that I’m .. Lusting?? After. I just don’t lust.

You could go either way, but if you’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone, asexual might indeed be the better fit. Most demisexuals do have sexual feelings which are directed at another person, whether they want to follow up on those feelings or not. If you want to decide you’re demisexual later on, that’s fine, but if you think asexual fits better now, go for it!


I keep seeing people say things like "oh what special snowflakes! They only want a label so they can say they're oppressed like the rest of us!" When for me, when I found out I was demisexual, it was more like I had a sense of identity. It just hurts

— Asked by Anonymous

Yeah, this is what happens when people don’t listen to others. If the people who put down demisexuality actually read about the experiences of most demisexuals, they would realize that they’re just like you and only a handful of us claim to be oppressed. Instead they go for easy targets.


A PSA

queenieofaces:

"Sex-positivity" refers to a political movement and/or ideology which promotes and celebrates safe, consensual sex in all forms.  If someone is sex-positive, that tells you nothing about whether they are willing to have sex—there is, in fact, a pretty long history of aces (both sexually active and not) writing about sex-positivity.  Similarly, if someone does not identify as sex-positive, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they think no one should be having sex; they may just have pretty substantial problems with the sex-positive movement.

Similarly, “sex-negativity” refers to a political movement and/or ideology which promotes the critical examination of sex because of the belief that not all sex is inherently, morally, and ethically good.  If someone is sex-negative, that tells you nothing about their attitude toward or willingness to have sex themself.  Similarly, a sex-negative individual does not necessarily believe that no one should be having sex.

"Antisexuality" or "antisexualism" refers to the belief that sex and sexuality are morally or ethically wrong and should be avoided, unless we’re talking about the Russian antisexual community, which is composed of people who are voluntarily celibate and consciously reject sex from their lives.Antisexuality/antisexualism (in either of its forms) is not the same as sex-negativity.  If someone is antisexual, that tells you nothing about their sexual orientation or their sexual history.

"Sex-aversion"/"sex-repulsion" refers to a personal aversion to/repulsion by some aspect(s) of sexual activity or sexuality.  For most people, sex-aversion/sex-repulsion is neither a political movement nor a value statement concerning sex as a whole; some sex-averse people are sex-positive, some are sex-negative, some are sex-neutral, and some don’t espouse any particular ideology concerning sex.  Nor is sex-aversion/sex-repulsion a statement concerning whether the individual in question will be willing to have/whether they are having sex or not.  

Basically: sex-positive ≠ willing to have sex, sex-negative ≠ sex-averse/sex-repulsed, sex-averse/sex-repulsed ≠ antisexual, not sex-positive ≠ antisexual

Disclaimer: I have had to simplify things for this PSA, so if you really care about all the intricacies of the groups/ideologies/identities mentioned, please either click the links or ask the search engine of your choice for more information.


(To all the people talking about coming out as demisexual) I can really only talk about the stuff I know, and while I haven't come out as demi, I think most people especially parents would be okay with it, it they understand it a little. It just means that you only what to have sex someone you have a connection with, ect. and to be honest I imagine most parents, mine at least. Would not be wanting me to have sex with random strangers anyway, if that makes sense.

— Asked by Anonymous

Yeah, that’s a good point! Demisexuality is probably a dream come true for some of the more protective parents.


I hope this question isn't inappropriate. The thing is that I was never quite sure how to identify myself in terms of my sexuality but I'm now quite certain that I am demisexual. A fee months ago I've met a woman I feel a deep connection with, like she's my second half. I tried to fight it at first, but I think I'm falling in love with her. I want to tell her so badly but I am terrified. It's been almost 30 years and I've never been in love because I never met someone who -fits- like this [1/2]

— Asked by Anonymous

and now that I have, I don’t think I could handle ever letting go of it. I imagine that this might be a problem for a lot of demis that the friendship is so substantial and deep that the thought of risking it is quite terrifying. I wish I knew what the best course of action is, whether I should tell her, whether I should RISK it. The one thing I know is that I don’t want to lose her but at the same time, these feelings are driving me insane. [2/2]

Well, no one can tell you the right choice or what would happen. But I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. You have to weigh the pros and cons of each decision and see which one you want. Either way, you’re taking a risk: perhaps you might change the friendship, but perhaps you’ll wonder “what if” if you don’t go for it.

In your situation, I personally would find it unbearable to keep quiet. I think love is worth taking a risk for. It might not work out, but it might. If your friendship is strong, it will survive a hit either way. 

You’re right that this problem is common for demisexuals. We often end up falling for our friends and then feel worried about the state of the friendship. I ended up in a situation like this and it didn’t work out romantically but the friendship was actually somehow strengthened. I’m glad I went for it because of that.


I'm 99% sure I'm demisexual and identify as such, as I experience almost no physical attraction except in cases of intimate friendships, but I do sometimes experience sexual attraction based on personalities or attitudes, not physical attractiveness? I mean I have to know the person but I don't have to have a kind of intimacy or even be friends with them, really. Does that fall under demisexuality or do you think I just have super strong and specific kinks or...? I'm kind of insecure about it.

— Asked by Anonymous

I don’t think this falls outside the realm of demisexuality. Emotional intimacy is not the only kind of connection you can build with someone, and physical attractiveness is not the only way to find them attractive. You can also learn about their personality and connect with them that way. 

Labels aren’t boxes that should make you feel insecure if you’re not perfectly fitting into them. Not everyone fits perfectly into the box, and that’s okay. Labels are just words that describe patterns, which may not always be perfect.


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