THANK YOU for the sexual attraction vs. romantic attraction links in the FAQ. I’ve known about asexuality as an orientation for a while now, but only recently clicked that it describes my own feelings, and those links helped clear things up a lot.
My main problem was trying to figure out what the heck sexual attraction is, and, after completely getting the romantic attraction definition and still not really understanding sexual attraction as a separate thing … well. That seems to be fairly normal for people on the ace spectrum. XD
I’m glad I could help! It’s so hard to describe abstract concepts, so it’s good to hear that I managed. If you don’t understand it, it’s highly likely that you don’t experience it.
Anonymous said: Hi! I've recently began identifying as demi. I have recently met with an ex (we've been broken up 3 months), and I have sexual but NOT romantic attraction toward him. Should I have aro sex bc he's the only on I've ever felt sexual attracted to?
Well, do you want to have sex? If you want to, then go for it, if you don’t want to, then don’t. Just be careful: for many people, sex can awaken old romantic feelings.
Anonymous said: I've been thinking that I could be on the ace-spectrum for quite a while-I think I could be grey-asexual because I do get aroused, but it mostly just annoys me. I don't really get what sexual attraction is, and descriptions confuse me. I've never had sex before, but if I were in a relationship, I truly wouldn't care about the sex, whether it was good or bad. I think people are beautiful, and I want to cuddle and kiss. I've thought 'I want to kiss you', not 'I want you in bed.' What do you think?
Gray-asexual could be a good label, or asexual if you have never felt sexual attraction. In any case, it definitely sounds like you are ace spectrum, given your confusion regarding sexual attraction and indifference to sex. It also sounds like you experience aesthetic attraction—thinking people are good-looking—and sensual attraction—wanting to cuddle or kiss people. It sounds like you’re on the right track, so if gray-a feels right, go for it.
Anonymous said: I am currently identifying as demisexual, but I have doubts about my label. As I've never formed a strong emotional bond nor have I been in any relationships, I've never felt sexual attraction towards anyone. Autochorissexualism is something I also can identify with, but someday I do want to get married and have children, which determines a future sexual relationship. I apologize if this ask is unorganized and rant-like, but I am struggling to figure out whether I am demisexual or grey-asexual.
There are many people who wonder whether they are asexual or demisexual, because they haven’t felt sexual attraction, but feel like it could happen. You can use whichever label you feel is best. Asexual is fine if you feel like the fact that you don’t experience sexual attraction is most important to you now, and demisexual is fine if you think the possibility is more important. And gray-asexual is such a vague, catch-all term, that if you are in the middle of the ace spectrum in any way, it could definitely apply to you.
You can also be two or more labels at once. Labels are just words with definitions, so look at it in a technical manner: if the definitions fit, the labels fit, and you can then choose whether or not you want to use them. Go with whatever feels right, and change it later if it isn’t working out. Choosing a label doesn’t have to cause stress or pressure.
Anonymous said: I'm on both the ace and aro spectrums but out loud I identify as pan or queer because it's easier than explaining my gray aro/ace-ness over and over. Is that weird?
No, that’s not weird. A lot of aces use a simpler term, especially when they don’t want to explain themselves or when they think their audience might not be accepting.
Anonymous said: Can you identify as both demisexual and gray asexual?
Yes, if you feel that the definitions of both fit you. I do.
Anonymous said: I knew I was demisexual/romantic before I even knew there was a word for it, but Ive just now admitted to myself that I had feelings for a female friend of mine a while back (I'm also a girl) and I'm kinda having a moment, and felt the need to tell someone.
Well, thank you for telling me. If you want to talk about it more, my ask box is open.
Anonymous said: I'm gray ace. I feel as if I sometimes need attention and flirting(like a sex drive or something) and could most likely only get it a sufficient amount if I had a significant other but I would be constantly worried about not satisfying him because I'd want him to be sexually attracted to me. I feel like a really bad person because I wouldn't necessarily be attracted to him. Is this a sexuality or am I just horrible? (It's not that I don't want to be attracted to them it's just so rare for me)
You’re not horrible. You just have certain boundaries/needs, and as long as you figure these out and communicate them clearly to potential partners, then you’ll be alright. I don’t think there is a specific sexuality for what you’re describing, but it could certainly fall under gray-asexual.
Anonymous said: I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm demisexual, and I keep getting stuck on the idea of "sexual attraction." When people use the term "sexual attraction," what are they referring to? I don't normally feel attraction to anyone, but I identify as a sexual person. I'm interested in sex. I just don't find most people attractive or cute. I also realize that I'm not really romantically or physically attracted to anyone. How does this relate to sexual attraction?
Sexual attraction is generally a kind of physical attraction (the other is sensual attraction, which is when you want to touch/snuggle/hug someone), so if you don’t feel the latter, you probably don’t feel the former. If you like sex for its own sake and don’t have any particular feelings about the person involved, then you probably enjoy sex but don’t feel sexual attraction (which is possible). However, if you find yourself thinking sexy thoughts about that person, it might indicate that you are sexually attracted to them. I can’t give you a definitive answer because everyone’s experience of sexual attraction is different, but if you’re questioning whether you feel it at all, you could very well be an ace of some sort.
Anonymous said: Is it possible to be romantically and sexually attracted to someone after a strong bond is formed if so what is it called ?
If sexual attraction only develops after a strong bond, you could be demisexual, and if romantic attraction only develops after a strong bond, you could be demiromantic.
Anonymous said: Is it possible to identify as demisexual if you've never been romantically close to someone?
Yes, demisexuality is just about sexual attraction, and the bond demisexuals need for that can be either platonic or romantic in nature.
Anonymous said: Is it possible to be an asexual that really wants to feel sexual attraction, or even romantic attraction, but just can't or hasn't yet, because they want to feel that sensation/have that experience, not because of social pressures? If so, any advice?
It’s natural to want to experience something you never have before. You could possibly look into the words cupiosexual/cupioromantic, meaning someone who doesn’t experience sexual/romantic attraction, but who wants a sexual/romantic relationship.
As for specific advice… You can’t force yourself to feel something unnatural to you, so I would work on accepting yourself as you are now. It is possible you will meet someone who sparks that attraction for you, but don’t wait for it. Try meeting lots of different people in the meantime and see who clicks with you.
Anonymous said: I'm currently looking into asexuality, and I'm a little confused about the distinction between experiencing sexual attraction, and an asexual wanting to have sex. I have wanted to have sex and often enjoyed sex, but on reflection, I think this is because a)it made me feel close to my partner, b)pleasurable nerve sensations and c)I thought that was what people in relationships did. Is that different from wanting sex in an allosexual way?
Well, allosexuals can want sex for all those reasons too, but they usually also feel sexual attraction. To be honest, sexual attraction has slightly different definitions based on who you ask. For me, it means that my sexual desire (desire to have partnered sex for its own sake) is pointed toward a specific person. Like, I look at my boyfriend and want to have sex with him because it’s him. I can’t tell you if you feel it or not, but if you don’t think you do, that is valid. There are aces who don’t experience it but still enjoy sex, so it is definitely possible that you are one of them.
Anonymous said: I wanted some advice on my significant other. He recently came out saying he doesn't understand sex, basically why we (humans) even have it, and whats the point. He thinks something is wrong with him. He has a low libido to begin with and when we do have sex its good but if I initiate he'll accept a blowjob cause he doesn't have to do anything but not reciprocate. Too much effort. I was wondering if he might be grey-ace. Can you give me some insight? I want to discuss this with him so he knows.
Ooh, he definitely could be ace, what kind of ace specifically, I am not sure. Some asexuals define their asexuality as not being interested in sex, while some gray-asexuals define their label as feeling sexual attraction, but not wanting to act on it. There are aces who like sex too, but most aces come to the community because they don’t like sex or feel meh about it and wonder why, so it sounds like you’re on the right track. Each of the label has slightly different definitions, so I would continue to read more ace blogs so you can get an idea of why different people identify the way they do. I have “am I asexual?" and "am i gray asexual?" tags which might help.
In any case, it sounds like it would be beneficial for your SO to know that there are others like him and there’s nothing wrong with him. I would just be careful to not assign him a label, as he might not want one. Just tell him you’ve been reading about asexuality and it reminded you of him, and go from there.
Hell yeah, I’m designing for AAW this year.
Step 1: Save that date.
Step 2: Pretend this image is a hot potato and share it all over the place.