Demi Gray

A blog for those identifying as demisexual or gray-asexual.

I've had sex before, but rarely was it ever a good experience; I mostly felt obligated to for my partner. I'm demi, but after everything and an ex harassing me for so long before I ever had sex with him, I'm pretty sex-repulsed. I feel dirty for compromising myself, and it just makes me really upset. I didn't know asexuality was a thing when I was with my ex, I just felt broken and that I had to make up for it somehow.

— Asked by Anonymous

What you’ve described is unfortunately a common experience for many aces. They go through with that they feel is an obligation and feel awful about it. The good thing is that you now know that you are NOT broken, there’s a word for your identity, which is totally valid, and there are dozens of people in the community you can go to for support. It is totally okay to be sex repulsed and going forward, you can use this knowledge about yourself to build a healthy identity. I have an ace blogger, cranavencrow, who would be willing to talk to you about your experiences.

Is it possible to be demisexual and have intimacy issues? I ask because I need a strong emotional bond to be at all sexually attracted to someone, but even with people I'm very close to emotionally and romantically can't bring myself to have sex. It scares me and makes me anxious, even when the physical feelings and a level of desire are there... So can I still be demi with that anxiety?

— Asked by Anonymous

Definitely—demisexuals have many different, individual experiences. There are a lot of demisexuals out there who are sex repulsed, even if they also have a libido and/or sexual desire.

So I feel aesthetic attraction (art/photography/etc.) and platonic attraction (with intelligence/friendships) and when I really admire a person (as solely a friend/role model) or work (be it a book or painting), sometimes I feel "frazzled" or "fuzzy"; even with celebrities, I can find them aesthetically beautiful and stare at pictures of them, but I don't want to date or "do" them. Why don't I feel romantic/sexual attraction to anyone? I've a good libido, but have never had a "real life" crush.

— Asked by Anonymous

Any kind of attraction can come with a frazzled feeling (is it some kind of butterflies, perhaps?) If you don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction, then that may just be how you are wired. The labels aromantic and asexual may apply to you, so I would continue exploring them. Many aros and aces find happy relationships with other people, whether it’s through friendship or platonic partnerships, so you can still find fulfillment.

Thank you so much for correcting that other blog, I struggle with my sexual identity(do I deserve to say I'm gray-a) and people spreading false information really doesn't help

— Asked by Anonymous

Doubt is a pervasive part of the ace experience, unfortunately, so we all have to work together to support each others’ identities. Mostly, I just think a lot of advice blog admins do not realize the influence they have. When you run an advice blog, you position yourself as an authority and your judgements may have a big impact on how someone views themselves.

i recently discovered i was a grey-ace but coming into the ace community i don't feel accepted by most of the asexual community because there was an asxual advice blog and i asked them on how to come out to friends/family etc but they said i wasnt ace because i did experience little sexual attraction/drive

— Asked by Anonymous

Well, they’re wrong. If anyone tells you how you should identify, then they are doing something called identity policing which is greatly frowned upon by the vast majority of the ace community.

Some people identify as asexual if they experience “little to no sexual attraction” (not “no sexual attraction,” period—there’s always exceptions when it comes to human sexuality). And aces all over the spectrum may experience sex drive, so that certainly doesn’t invalidate your identity. Only YOU can decide what your label is, and whatever you choose is correct.

I would be interested to know what this advice blog is called so I can go check them out, as I take this sort of thing very seriously. If you want to send another ask telling me, then you can—I won’t publish it or tell anyone else.

P.S.: I have a coming out tag which has some advice.

i was wondering if you could help me out. i think i might be demisexual but i'm not sure. the idea of sexual things disgusts me on their own like when my friends are all talking about sex i'm like this all sounds revolting. but i definitely feel sexual attraction to people, like first i find them aesthetically pleasing then after a while i'm like YAAAASSS but i have absolutely no desire to do anything with anyone outside of love. (cont) *

— Asked by Anonymous

like i do have sexual fantasies or thoughts about people but it’s only after I’ve known them a while and the whole thing comes with - in my mind - romance and love. sex on it’s own does not appeal to me in the slightest. I was wondering what you think. do you think i could be demisexual?? I don’t really know enough about it to decide and an outside opinion would be appreciated ** thanks

That makes sense—many demisexuals are sex repulsed, even though they do feel sexual attraction, have sexual fantasies, etc. I think you’re on the right track, so if you feel like demisexual fits well and you’d like to use it, go for it!

I'm sorry but I need somewhere to vent.. So today at school a girl that I considered a friend and who knew about my sexuality tried to flirt with me and get me to engage(?) with her sexually I told her multiple times to stop but she wouldn't and kept making advances on me. After I asked our mutual friend to talk to her about it and she texted me and acted like I was blowing everything out of proportion even though I was already uncomfortable.

— Asked by Anonymous

Getting hit on when you don’t want to be hit on is an uncomfortable event for anyone. It is a big deal! I would explain clearly to the girl who flirted with you that you are not interested, so please stop, but you do value your friendship and would like to continue being friends (if you do—if this event was off-putting, then it’s totally understandable). I would also tell your mutual friend that it made you feel uncomfortable, and that you would like her support. If these people still persist in making you feel invalidated, then they might not be the best people to be friends with.

Hey so I was wondering if you knew a term for someone who experiences sexual attraction but has no desire or intent to have sex? I've heard lots of other terms but can't find anything for that case. Thanks

— Asked by Anonymous

Is it a dick move (no pun intended) to say that your best bet might be “celibate”? If you’re sex repulsed you could mention that… um… anyone want to chime in? 

— Answered by gray-asexuality

This is almost exactly one of the definitions for gray-asexual on the AVEN wiki. If you’re going to run an advice blog on gray-asexuality, I strongly recommend you do some research and give accurate information to people who are questioning.

hey! do you or any of your followers happen to know where the word "allosexual" comes from? because the other day i was reading a wikipedia page in french and it said that the word "allosexuel" meant "queer" (without it being a slur), but i never saw that in english and i was curious... thank you :)

— Asked by poppunk-babe

Allosexual (meaning someone who isn’t ace spectrum, for those not in the know) is my preferred term, rather than sexual. However, I do not know its origins. Anyone else happen to know?

I identify as gray-a because I experience sexual attraction but never the desire to have sex or be intimate with another person. Is this just abstinence since I'm choosing not to but I could?

— Asked by Anonymous

Technically yes, it is abstinence, because you are abstaining from sex, but it’s not JUST abstinence because you clearly state that you do not have the desire to have sex. That’s what makes you gray ace. Allosexuals who are abstinent are usually actively fighting sexual urges, but for you, they don’t even exist in the first place.

Ahhhh i'm going on a date tonight with a girl I met online and i'm quite anxious! I've realised anytime i've tried to date before I've gotten really anxious and ended things before anything sexual happens - or because something happened and I didn't enjoy it. Any advice for trying to date when you're grey-ace? Sigh, I'm worried she'll expect things she seems quite sexual and has had at least 3 ex girlfriends. I'm just anxiousssss ahh

— Asked by Anonymous

Well, even among allosexuals, it is 100% okay to make it clear that you’re uncomfortable with sexual stuff on a first (or second, or third) date. There are plenty of allosexuals who prefer to get to know someone first before they become comfortable doing anything physical. You can tell her this, and hopefully she’ll be cool about it (if she isn’t, then well, she may not be a great person to date anyway).

If you feel comfortable with her after that point, you can tell her about gray-asexuality if you want to, or at least your thoughts on sex so she knows what to expect (this is assuming it’s all progressing well, and you know are interested in continuing dating her). Most people are pretty nice about this thing, especially on date #1 when you have few expectations, so don’t worry about it. Good luck!

So I think I've developed commitment issues after a really bad relationship (if I can even be called that) cuz before I would fall deeply in love with a person and now I can't. I can hardly develop a crush. I want to be with someone but my feelings arnt strong and change with my mood in literally 5 mins. I think if I was with someone is always worry there's someone better and my feelings for them would change with my mood. Dose that sound gray-a to you cuz that's what I feel like

— Asked by Anonymous

Well, asexual spectrum identities pertain to sexual attraction, but there is also the aromantic spectrum, which pertains to romantic attraction. I am not clear on which attractions you are referring to (though your loss of ability to fall in love with a person would be about romantic attraction of course) so I assume you mean both kinds. In any case, it’s normal for attractions and sexuality to change, even over the course of a relationship.

If you feel that your sexual attraction is fluid, then gray asexual might be a good fit, and if it’s romantic attraction that is fluid, grayromantic might work (you could also be both). If you feel like gray asexual is a good fit for you, then definitely use it, because you’re the expert on how you feel.

I'm having a hard time determining if I'm a sex-repulsed allosexual or asexual/gray A. When I'm around guys, more so when they're talking or physically close to me, I'll feel more aware of their presence and of my own genitals as well as other body parts, but there's no sort of urge or pull to have sex with them, and the feeling generally makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't know if this is sexual attraction or not?

— Asked by Anonymous

Hm, I’m not sure what it is either—possibly very weak arousal? In any case, I feel like the difference between sex-repulsed allosexual and ace spectrum is negligible. Some of the pre-AVEN generation of asexuals define their identity as not being interested in sex, so if you think that fits you, it’s valid. There are also some gray asexuals who identify as gray because they feel sexual attraction, but have no interest in sex, so that could be a possible identity for you too. If you feel comfortable identifying as ace spectrum and it helps you understand yourself, you are welcome to use the label.

Theme by Little Town