Demi Gray

A blog for those identifying as demisexual or gray-asexual.

Is it bad that I'm more afraid to come out as asexual than I am afraid to come out as lesbian? I just don't know what to do anymore . . .

— Asked by Anonymous

Well, if you’ve already come out as lesbian and then realized that you’re actually asexual, it can be kind of daunting to come out again. Some people will automatically assume that you’re just trying to get attention or something, so they won’t take you seriously. Especially when you consider that Asexuality is still relatively unknown to the general population, so a lot of people don’t believe that it’s a legitimate orientation.

It’s completely up to you as to whether you come out or not. If you do decide to, just keep in mind that you’re not always going to get the response you want, so don’t let the opinions of others weigh too heavily on your own happiness. Make sure you’ve done enough research to be able to answer any questions you may have presented to you.

— Answered by theasexualityblog

geth-outta-here:

It isn’t bad in the sense that you’re disappointing or harming other people by finding it harder to come out as ace than as lesbian. But if you don’t like the way you feel internally about your orientations, and you want to work through whatever’s making you more afraid of talking about your asexuality, then that’s perfectly okay.

I’m in a similar position anon, I’m homoromantic and I get anxious whenever my orientation comes up and I have to choose whether to say that I’m a lesbian or asexual.

And I’ll be honest, unless I’m online or in a LGBTQ+ safe space, I usually choose “gay”. “Lesbian” isn’t the whole story for me and my orientation, but for some reason I feel more uncomfortable talking about my lack of sexual attraction than I do talking about my romantic (and/or implied sexual) attraction towards other women. Aside from having to fend off more questions about asexuality, part of the problem is also that my ace-ness feels more private than my gayness (which I … do not like). I am visibly gay and invisibly asexual, and that makes it harder to “casually out myself as asexual” (the link is to a great and relevant essay by queenie, it might be helpful).

Talking to people IRL about my aceness in safe spaces has really helped me with this. Are you still in school/is there an LGBTQA+ center or a GSA near you? Any asexual meet-ups or groups that you can go to?

Also, while doing research to answer questions about your orientation is a good idea, it’s just important to do some thinking about how those questions affect you (like is it more important to tell that person “some aces do x” or ” I do/don’t do x”?  some of the questions we get when we come out can be quite invasive, so it’s up to you if you want to get personal or get general in a conversation)

But anyway, I’m still trying to figure out my way through this, like, ace block because I don’t want to be uncomfortable or scared when I talk about my asexuality (talking with people at my college’s LGBTQ+ center has helped, but I’m not where I want to be yet). So if you ever want to talk, my inbox is open. Good luck, anon!


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Asexual Bio (fill it in!)

Originally posted by: asexualityresources:

General

Name: n/a
Gender: female, for purposes of interacting with the world
Age: 23
Location: Philadelphia/Northern VA
Asexual Identity: demisexual + gray-asexual
Romantic Orientation: heteroromantic
Relationship Status: in a long-term relationship
Occupation: designer/artist/entrepreneur
Religion: pantheist
Subjects of Interest: spirituality, religion, nature, ecology, language, literature, philosophy, art, design, fashion, social justice
Selfie: here
More info about me: if you want to know, ask! 

Social Media

Tumblr: shadowtalon
Facebook: n/a
Twitter: if you want it, ask!
Youtube: n/a
AVEN: satinbird (inactive though)
Other: n/a

Favourites

Movie: not big into movies, but am quite fond of The Matrix
TV Show: currently really into Legend of Korra
Book: Island by Aldous Huxley, His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman, Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach, The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell
Genre: of book? none in particular
Song/Musician: Four Tet, Burial, Bonobo, Lone, Jacques Greene, Machinedrum, Boards of Canada, Massive Attack, Moderat, Shigeto, Jamie xx, Jon Hopkins, but also Fleet Foxes, Atlas Sound, Yeasayer, Beach House, ’80s/’90s R&B, hip-hop, and rap, really could go on and on here…
Colour: black, green, crimson
Animal: really can’t choose but I love all birds
Food: er… I’ll eat anything vegetarian, really
Dessert: some good ice cream
Cake Flavour: Black Forest
Place: beaches, forests, sparkling cities
Game: er… 
Website: er… Tumblr?


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trigilis replied to your post “Demigray Updates”

You’re amazing! Thank you for all the time and energy you put into this (it shows - this is the single most helpful ace-spectrum advice blog on tumblr imo) I hope you have a lovely day! x

Ahhh thank you so much for your comment! I’m filing it away in my thank you tag!


i'd like to know if you've ever heard of anyone like me. by reading your blog i've come to realise that im a reverse demisexual, so i only feel sexually attracted to strangers and whenever i get closer to someone, the desire to actually do anything with them goes to zero. but the thing is, i know in the back of my mind that even if i found a stranger i thought was attractive or if i actually felt attracted to whom i have romantic feelings towards, i'd never really have sex with them because...

— Asked by Anonymous

…i’m too… insecure? im not sure if thats the word. i just cant really trust people enough to do it (because for me its a huge deal) and i think thats partly why i get aroused only by strangers, because i could disappear from their lives in a heartbeat, no consequences. but with people i know… im just really uncomfortable with my body and i dont want anyone to see it or do anything with it. and most of the time i dont even feel like doing anything. im sort of just there. am i crazy? ugh

All of this makes a lot of sense to me, and I am sure there are others like you out there. I’ve heard of people, including allosexuals, who have similar experiences. If you find yourself liking the idea of sex and feeling sexually attracted to people, but not actually wanting to have sex in real life, you might consider gray asexual, as that’s one of the possible definitions for the label. I think that would be a valid choice.

As for your insecurity, I think it’s either that or low self esteem. I have a couple of posts which address that sort of thing here and here. If identifying as ace spectrum helps you better understand yourself, go for it.


I'm trying to figure out where I am on the asexual spectrum... I can feel aroused by sex scenes/smut, and I masturbate sometimes, but I never associate it with myself (I know this is called autochorisexualism), but I also can imagine sex being an enjoyable thing in the future with a partner I really care about. The thing is, I don't think I've ever felt sexually attracted towards any specific person, and I've never been in a relationship long enough to become emotionally close enough to (cont)

— Asked by Anonymous

determine if I’m demisexual or if I will just never be sexually attracted to anyone or what. But I can’t determine if this desire to have sex/ability to be turned on/assuming that I’ll find it pleasurable makes me not asexual… Should I identify as gray ace instead of asexual because of this? I don’t want to devalidate any other members of the asexual community by being asexual but wanting to have sex…

Even though they’re a minority, there ARE asexuals who desire and enjoy sex, so no, it wouldn’t invalidate your identity. If you personally feel like gray asexual fits better, then that’s up to you, but asexual is also a perfectly valid option, especially as you say you don’t think you’ve ever felt sexual attraction: that’s all you need to identify as asexual.

If you find out that you’re demisexual in future, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Go with what best reflects your experiences now.


Hi gray ace here and I'm not exactly sure how to ask this... I've come to the realization I'm not really sure what romantic(attraction?) is/feels like. I have recently realized that I can "emotionally satisfy(I don't know how else to describe it)" myself through reading and even a friendship(no sexual feelings whatsoever though). Is that like the same thing as romantic(attraction)? Or is this something completely different? Thanks for your time

— Asked by Anonymous

I think romantic attraction, like sexual attraction, is one of those things where you know it when you feel it. If you feel yourself satisfied by friendships and fiction, and don’t find yourself yearning for a romantic relationship on top of that, it’s possible you might be on the aromantic spectrum. Check out anagnori’s “You might be aromantic if…" list to see if you can relate to it. Here are some links (1, 2, 3, 4) which explain what romantic attraction feels like. Finally, here (1, 2, 3, 4) are some aromantic specific advice blogs which may have more information. You can ask them questions too.



Demigray Updates

Hi everyone, I did some work on my blog, which I’ve detailed here:

  1. A new layout! It has a search box in the top right which will make it easier to find what you’re looking for!
  2. A Best Of page! This page contains a list of some of my best, most reblogged posts, so feel free to take a look at it when suggesting links to others. i will continually update it.
  3. A Tags page! Not every post is tagged yet (I have to go back into my archive and work on it still), but this will now provide a powerful way to search by tag. 
  4. An updated About page! I decided I want to present myself as more of a real person, so hopefully this will help with that.

Let me know what you think!


August 2014 Carnival of Aces: Call for Submissions →


Feeling repulsed after sex?

If someone’s turned off of sex completely, like, disgusted by it, for a few hours or a few days after orgasm (not ashamed, just…ew)… would that be an ace spectrum thing or something completely different? Like, I’ll look at my boyfriend afterward (even if the orgasm didn’t involve him, ahem) and be super grossed out by the idea of sex with him. (I’m a bi cis girl, btw.) Idk it just seems so weird but I don’t know if it’s something other people deal with or not, and how those people would ID.

Well, anyone of any orientation can experience sex repulsion, so it doesn’t automatically mean you’re ace spectrum (though it is a valid reason to identify that way if you want to). It’s up to you whether you want to let it have a bearing on your identity or not. Either choice would make sense. If you do want to explore ace spectrum identities, I would consider gray asexual, if you feel sexual attraction but feel somewhat repulsed about sex, or if your feelings on sex go back and forth.

Has anyone else experienced this?


First of all, this blog is absolutely lovely so thank you so much for all the effort put into it! I'm wondering where you think I'd fall on the ace spectrum. I have fantasized sexually about people before, and continue to do so, but when it comes down to actually having sex with someone I care about I become extremely indifferent. If it's not someone I already have a connection to then I become repulsed. I have also never been satisfied before in partner sex, even with a close partner.

— Asked by Anonymous

Hello! From what you’ve told me, I can see it going a couple ways… Anyone can have sexual fantasies, first off—you can fantasize about anything because the imagination is a way to experiment with ideas, and it doesn’t mean you’d like it in real life. So if you feel like your disinterest in sex means that asexual fits best, that would make sense. However, if you feel like you have a very active sexual life in your head which hints at feeling sexual attraction, but you have no desire to act on it, gray-asexual may be a better fit. I could see either choice being totally valid, based on what you think feels best, so I’d continue to read more and see what resonates with you.


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